The day I lost the battle over the dishes I learned a key question to help navigate conflict in a relationship.

My Story

As a young adult, I had a good understanding that it was important to set expectations early on in a relationship and hold a fair share of responsibilities in the household. As the dishes piled up in the little sink of my tiny 6th floor Paris walkup, “Chambre de Bonne” and my then-boyfriend didn’t make a move to clean them, I decided to make a bet and I intended to win. The looser would have to do the dishes. I hated doing dishes.

I can’t remember the specifics of the bet but do remember completely believing that I would win. Unfortunately for me, I lost. I gave in and did the dishes that day, but it got me to thinking, maybe somethings aren’t worth the argument. Maybe some things aren’t worth my energy. Was it so bad if the dishes piled up? Was it so bad if I had to clean up after dinner? I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me now…. A clean kitchen? Releasing my need to control? Letting go of my need to always win? Or having fun and living in the moment? Where were my priorities?

What I learned

Ultimately, I decided to live in the moment and enjoy life. The question I asked myself that day is one of the questions that has helped me immensely over the years. What is most important to me? When I break it down, the answer has always been love and joy. When I find myself in conflicts, I try to bring my mindset back to this priority, to make choices that align with what matters most to me.

Rude person in the grocery store…

Should I respond? Humm, I kind of want to.

Would it bring me joy? =No

Okay, walk away and take a deep breath.

The kids left their dirty plates on the table. I want to yell that I’m not the maid.

Should I? Well, it would probably make me feel even more angry and they would yell back.

Alright, I will go hunt them down and bring them back one by one to bring their plates to the sink.

Uh, my husband still hasn’t taken out the garbage…

Should I go nag him to get it done? Humm, he would probably respond that I’m trying to boss him around and get in a bad mood.

Fine, I will just pile this stuff on top. He will notice and get to it like he always does.

Conclusion

What I knew as a young adult still holds true, expectations and sharing responsibilities are important in a relationship, but what I learned with the dishes bet is that I am not the only judge of what is fair and some things just aren’t worth arguing over. Asking, “what is most important to me?” can help as a guide to know when to speak up and when to let things go.

So the next time you are in a conflict situation, especially in a relationship, ask yourself, “What is most important to me?” and maybe this will help you to make choices that align with your priorities and bring you happiness.

-Brittany